Into The Troubled Mind of Ianto Jones
by BeyondInsanity
Summary: A little insight into Ianto's mind in the time between seasons one and two. Slash and a little language. Implied JackIanto, possible IantoOwen.


Ianto knows Jack is coming back

Ianto knows Jack is coming back. He knows this as surely as he knows the sun will rise (barring any type of alien interference). He knows this because he knows Jack, maybe he even knows him better than Jack does. 

The only place he fits is on earth, working for Torchwood, several years, decades, before he's even born. Jack will come back, but Ianto eventually begins to wonder _when_. At first he thought he'd be gone for two weeks, tops. It's been a month, and Ianto is seriously considering detailing everything bout the job to Gwen, just in case Jack does stay away for a long time. He'd come back, though,_ eventually_, and that's the problem. 

For a man of structure and order and neatness, he's being driven up the wall by the fact that he doesn't have date to jot down on his calendar, and circle, and pine for, and have time to organize a proper welcoming function, rather than the tequila-laden orgy Jack would undoubtedly prefer. Still, he has no fixed instructions or arrival dates, so he's started to fret. He hates fretting, because it means he has free time in which to fret, and free time means he gets to_ Thinking_. Thinking about the things he keeps buried under excuses and chores so he doesn't have to think about them. Things like Lisa, and Jack, and the End of Days. And he realizes how stupid he's been. He promised himself he wouldn't fall in love with Jack, and he has. And that means the tingling in his hands and the emptiness in his chest, and the sobs he bites down are heartbreak. 

He knew that loving Jack was a bad (with a capital B) idea, that it would end in heartbreak, and that Jack's passions were too transient to really develop any sort of meaningful connection in time. And still, he marvels, I fell in love. He marvels at it not because it's a difficult concept, Jack is incredibly dashing after all, but at the fact that he can so easily ignore common sense, and logic, like he did when he rescued Lisa. 

Ianto begins to wonder if Jack will want him when he comes back. Probably not, he thinks; as by now he's taken up with god knows how many partners, of different ages, sexes, and species. Jack was never one to discriminate. If when Jack comes back he doesn't want Ianto, Ianto'll just retreat into the shadows and lick his wounds and be the carefully polite tea-boy he's always been. But if he does want Ianto, Ianto doesn't know what he'll do. For one thing, spending his nights in a cold lonely bed, hoping for a lover's gentle touch, makes him want Jack back in his bed, _now_. But, his more sensible side says he'll just get hurt, and hasn't he suffered enough already? And besides, Jack just up and _left_. Not even a goodbye to his tem, his friends, his fucking _lover_. Why does he deserve forgiveness and an invitation back into Ianto's life, bed, heart? Still, Ianto wants him back. He just doesn't know what for. 

And he feels a little guilty for how easily they moved on with their lives, and how quickly he's taken to Gwen. Of course, they're all still hurting, but he feels guilty because they barely talk about him anymore. He's been swept under the rug, and added to the list of this that they didn't talk about, along with Suzie and Diane and all that. 

Ianto is lonely and mourning his lover, and he'd just like, for _once_, to talk, without all the secrecy and unmentionable issues that taint his conversations. To speak freely though, it'd have to be with another member of the team. 

It can't be Gwen he decides. Without Jack she's been able to focus on Rhys, and besides she's the boss. Tosh is nice, and he likes her, but she's closer to the others and he doesn't really feel comfortable enough to have a personal conversation with her. And then there's Owen. 

It's Owen that's the best candidate for the talk, because he feels most comfortable with Owen. It's weird, but they have a nice silent understanding, an unspoken accord between them, and after the all the vulnerable drunken nights they witnessed together (the drunk being either themselves or a coworker) he finds he's not such a prat after all. And Owen will understand the plight of losing a lover, and as the doctor he's most suited to help Ianto heal. Ianto could heal him in return, because Owen's good at doctoring others, not himself. And maybe, just _maybe_, it could be more. Ianto is lonely and so is Owen. They need some love, some companionship, and neither care if said companion is male. 

The only thing stopping Ianto is the fact that he feels a tiny seed of guilt in his stomach. And it makes him angry too. Why should he care about betraying Jack, when Jack is off gallivanting with god-knows-who, south of gods-knows-where. And besides, they didn't even have a defined _thing_ to betray. And then some extra cold dark night finds Ianto curled up in his big, depressingly cold and empty bed, and he find that the thing stopping him is hope. 

Hope that Jack'll come back and declare his love for Ianto and that everything will be ok. And because of that hope, he waits, in his dark flat, waiting for a man that may never come, while there's a perfectly god doctor within his reach. Hope, love, and shred of guilt. And he hates himself for it.

A/N: Just a little insight into Ianto during those lonely months without Jack to keep him company. Angsty I know, but I think I'll write something nice and fluffy after this. Fun fact, the tingly hands and empty feeling in the chest is based on how I feel before I start crying. Anywho, review, review, review! (Hey that rhymed!) 


End file.
